Tuesday, October 02, 2012

We don't miss NHL hockey

During one of our usual "waaah the lockout sucks" sessions, we realised there are some positives to having a lot fewer hockey games to watch. Maybe it's cause we're Leafs fans, but we actually have a pretty long list of horrible hockey memories, a lot of which are NHL-related:

The 5-0 loss on mats night
The night started out great and sad and then they lost and that started the collapse and we all hated everything. 


The problem is we can't forget that game because Mats. 


Cam Janssen
Once upon a time (2007), in a land far far away (Toronto), Tomas Kaberle was a really good hockey player. And then Cam Janssen the dirty horrible prick blindsided him and gave him a concussion. He received his first major injury on his 29th birthday and hasn't been the same since. Kabby was my favourite player back then and I've never forgiven Janssen. I didn't completely hate the rest of the Devils though, until a bit later that year...


The Devils-Islanders shootout
Setting: The second year after the lockout. After a disappointing season missing the playoffs last year, the Leafs are in 8th in the Eastern Conference. 

Importance: The Islanders and Devils are playing their last game of the year. NYI is one point behind the Leafs for the 8th seed, but the Leafs hold the tiebreaker. The Isles need a win against the Atlantic division champions, the New Jersey Devils. Leafs fans aren't really worried though because the Devils' strong season is led by the amazing performance of their goaltender, Martin Brodeur. 

Turning point: The Devils keep Brodeur on the bench and play their backup, Scott Clemmensen. Who is Scott Clemmensen, my 12-year-old self asks? 

Game: Scott Clemmensen isn't that good. The Isles hold a 2-0 lead going into the 3rd period thanks to Richard Park, but somehow by some miracle, John Madden gets a goal and then ties the game with another one with a second remaining in regulation.

Overtime: nothing happens in OT. Satan and Kozlov score for New York in the shootout and Gionta (lol) and Brylin (who?) miss for New Jersey. 

Aftermath: the Leafs never make the playoffs ever again for the rest of eternity. Scott Clemmensen becomes the most hated man in Toronto.


That time we got Scott Clemmensen
Scott Clemmensen always sucks whenever the Leafs need him. Always. So why the hell would you sign him to the Leafs? I have no freaking clue.

3 GP 3.89 GAA and 0.839 SV%. That is all. 


Pens/Flyers series
This series was sad and bad and pathetic and thinking about it makes me cringe every time. Let's just pretend it never happened. 

Like I said, never happened. 

Brayden Schenn getting drafted (and then traded)
We WANTED BRAYDEN cause he's better than Luke and then we could have brothers on the team, which would have been an annoying narrative but not as annoying a narrative as the Kessel Seguin one, which makes me want to kill small animals. Then he went to the Flyers then Luke went to the Flyers, now they have the slightly annoying but mostly cute narrative AND Giroux, which is totally not fair.

Click for the zoomed-in version

Losing to the USA in the WJCs
Remember that time we had five consecutive gold medals at the WJCs? 
  • the stacked lockout team in '05
Ryan Getzlaf still had hair.
  • the Great Justin Pogge in '06
Sure, he looked good then. 
  • the time the entire country fell in love with Carey Price and Jonathan Toews in '07 
And this happened.
  • that time we loved PK Subban because he was ours in '08

  • Tavares's magical play (helped along by some dude named EBERLE)  in '09
Listening to Pierre McGuire never gets old

AND THEN IT ALL CAME TO A BURNING, CRASHING HALT THANKS TO JOHN CARLSON WHO IS A WASHINGTON CAPITAL. And Jerry D'Amigo was on team USA so he is my least favourite Leafs prospect even today. And the worst part is that Brayden still has work to do


The Colby Armstrong fiasco
Okay he was a slight overpayment but STILL. Army fan 4lyfe <3


The collapse of 2012
At the end of January, the Leafs were in a playoff spot. Then at the end of April the Leafs were the second worst team in the east. I guess the one consolation we have is that the Habs were the one team that was lower than the Leafs. One Morgan Rielly later we mostly have no idea what's going to happen this year (or if this year's going to happen). We know we still have crap for goaltending and everything else is pretty much the same. 

Maybe a lockout isn't so bad after all.

Our lives suck. 

Every game against the Bruins ever
Go Leafs Go!!!1

The Leafs were absolutely godawful against the Bruins this year, and last year, and the year before that, and what feels like every year that I've been watching them. Tyler Seguin had 11 points against the Leafs last year, two of which were game winning goals. That's what no defense, no goaltending, and being all around crap does for you, I guess.

And as if their domination of the Leafs wasn't enough, they also got Dougie Hamilton from the 2nd first rounder from the Kessel trade. 

Funny enough, this picture came from the Vancouver Sun

That game against Russia in the WJCs last year
It sucked and all my hope was lost, then they came back and scored five and I had hope again. Then it was crushed again. 

So basically they managed to crush me twice in one game which takes some skill. 

At least Russia didn't get gold... right?

Reimer getting hurt
Burke: bye giguere we don't need you anymore
fans: wait so does that mean-
fans: ...what
Burke: this is gonna be awesome
fans: but um both of them have injury histories
fans: Gustavsson sucks and Reimer was a rookie last year
Burke: it's rainin' saves, hallelujah it's rainin' saves
fans: this is not a good idea
Brian Gionta: lol what would happen if I concussed Reimer right now
fans: ...
Brian Gionta: lol oops
*everything crashes into a ball of flames*

Sid getting hurt
High ankle sprains suck and groin injuries suck and concussions suck and knee injuries suck and it sucks when the best player in the world can't play. The concussion(s) was undoubtedly the worst though because of the length and the uncertainty and the rumours and everything was just bleh. A positive though is that it did give me a delicious new tradition. Oh and it was at least partly responsible for a huge increase in concussion awareness across the hockey world.

That Toskala goal(s)
Just leaving this here: 

Oh, and this: 

Every time we play a team with someone from the GTA on it
...he happens to score. Or get an assist. Or murder someone. Or do some freaking thing to make us hate him. Also applies to anyone who grew up a Leafs fan or who has a dad or mom or uncle or neighbour or hairdresser who was a Leafs fan. 

Thanks for being a fan, Tavares.

Bad trades/signings
  • Andrew Raycroft: oh yes let's trade Tuukka Rask for Raycroft because Justin Pogge is so valuable to us
  • Jason Blake: hey nobody's ever heard of you but you fluked into 40 goals one year so let's sign you to a FIVE YEAR CONTRACT WORTH 20 MILLION DOLLARS.
  • Mike Komisarek: sign player to 5-year contract worth 22.5 million. Player does almost nothing the entire time.
  • Brett Lebda: he was a Red Wing, so he must've been good right? (spoiler: he wasn't)
  • Colby Armstrong: sigh. 
I promise to honour this jersey by sucking for all eternity

Lebdaugh -- he gets his own category

So much fail. 

Mats being a Canuck
I hate the Canucks more than every team except the Senators so seeing Mats be one of them was just the second to absolute worst.

So much rage. 


elseldo said...

but hey bad NHL hockey got you into OHL right?

(except you both went to the wrong teams)

gingersnowflake said...

But there were a bunch of Ice Dogs on Team Canada, and look where that got us.