After much hoopla, the NHL announced that it will be re-aligning the league's thirty teams into four conferences. Instead of the current two-conferences/katrillion-divisions structure, each conference will consist of seven or eight teams. They haven't been named yet, so we're just going to call them 1, 2, 3, and 4. We're really creative. Let's look at the teams in the first conference, shall we?
Teams: Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers, Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks, Colorado Avalanche, Phoenix Coyotes
Vancouver: Will only have to listen to Chelsea Dagger seven or eight times in the regular season, depending on whether or not they decide to play Luongo that one game.
Calgary: Iginla will eventually realise how pathetic his situation is, especially when he's repeatedly forced to play against Kesler, the Sedins, RNH, EBERLE, Hall, Kopitar, Richards, Doughty... *deep breath* ...Getzlaf, Perry, Ryan, Selanne, Duchene, Landeskog, Stastny, Doan, and Yandle *laughs*
Edmonton: WHY DO THEY GET HALL, EBERLE, AND NUGENT-HOPKINS?!
Los Angeles: Will distract other teams when lining up for the national anthem, who will spend the rest of the game wondering how to sing the "LA LA LA LA".
Anaheim: Bobby Ryan will get so fed up with teammates tripping him and making Canada win that he will immediately demand a trade to Toronto. Because, y'know, Burke is determined to make the Leafs an all-American team.
Colorado: Will start every game by displaying prominent Landeskog pictures, and then score on the other team as they wonder how anyone can be so beautiful. (note: will not work on Jeff Skinner)
Phoenix: Doan will look at the promising futures of the young superstars in his conference and slowly melt into a pit of despair. Book it.