Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Will you be there?


Canada. 5.4 seconds. Gold.

The holidays mean different things to different people. For thousands of Canadian hockey fans from coast to coast, they are a time to sit in front of the TV and watch a bunch of teenagers playing their hearts out for our national reputation, in between cheesy TSN commercials making us proud to live in a country with “more square feet of awesomeness per person than any other nation on earth.”

Monday, December 12, 2011

An Open Letter to Sidney Crosby

Dear Sid,

We've never met, and probably never will. You know nothing about me, yet I know so much about you. Hm, that sounds slightly creepy. Probably not the best way to start a letter.

I'm in the middle of finals and I have an exam tomorrow that I really need to start studying for. But I'm sitting here, writing you a letter (by hand!) because I'm sad and mad and frustrated. You're probably never going to read this, and in the end it doesn't really matter if you do. This is mostly to let me say what I'm feeling. But if you do read this, I'm sorry for the crappy quality. I'm not going to proof-read or make multiple drafts, so be warned: I may ramble. I'll probably end up sending this because of how frustrated I am.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

On Being A Female Sports Fan

I recently stumbled upon an article written by Kevin Fisher and DC Sports Dudes. Shelly and I read it together, and were too disappointed to find that this mindset exists in the sports world to allow it to slip by without sharing our thoughts here. (I'm going to try my best to not swear. I really really am.)

There's a lot of absolute bullshit here, so let's begin. 

Before I start trashing all women for their ridiculous behavior at sporting events, I apologize to the .01 percent of the female population that are actually good fans.

 So clearly he recognizes that he's about to trash all women. Just doesn't care? Is too stupid enough to realize the idiocy of his comments? Who knows. The ridiculous generalization made here is just the beginning of what's to come in this steaming pile of a post. And 0.01%? We won't even go there.

You see pictures of girls at tailgates and football games wearing jerseys.

 I would just like to point out that apparently he's only seen pictures of girls at tailgates. This does not surprise me.

You see this girl wearing a jersey and you know this girl is not a fan,

 By just looking at a girl, he can tell that she is not a fan. Like how by just looking at this piece of shit article, I can tell that the person who wrote it is a sexist moron!

For women, the game isn’t even secondary, it is irrelevant.  Women view live sporting events as just another opportunity to show others how much “fun” they are having and being able to pretend they are a “fan.”

 Look at me, I'm having so much fun being a fan that I'll ditch social events to watch the Leafs lose to the Bruins! That'll make me popular!

And that’s what these girls are who do this, complete jokes.  Do they really think that men don’t see right through this?  I think girls know that guys like a girl who enjoys sports, so buying a jersey will impress said guys.  Except, it usually has the opposite effect.  We just laugh at your phony attempts to act like a fan.


 We're sorry if you're intimidated by girls who know what they're talking about. From our reaction over
MSN: I think this about sums it up.
AND WHAT THE HELL
MAKES HIM THINK
ANY GIRL WOULD
EVER WANT TO IMPRESS SCUM LIKE HIM

Pink jerseys.  Girls who wear a pink colored jersey of a team are barely above Hitler.




Welcome to the New NHL: Part 4

Another s/t to Will for helping us. Even though he types like a turtle.


After much hoopla, the NHL announced that it will be re-aligning the league's thirty teams into four conferences. Instead of the current two-conferences/katrillion-divisions structure, each conference will consist of seven or eight teams. They haven't been named yet, so we're just going to call them 1, 2, 3, and 4. We're really creative. We've seen the firstsecond, and third conferences, now let's look at the teams in the fourth conference, shall we?

Teams: Carolina Hurricanes, New Jersey Devils, New York Islanders, New York Rangers, Philadelphia Flyers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Washington Capitals

Carolina: Jeff Skinner will never be able to score any more goals, as he will be constantly skating back and forth in front of the team bench wondering who the F Tim Brent is. 


New Jersey: Goalie Martin Brodeur will finally get to play against goalies of his calibre, like Rick DiPietro and Brian Boucher. 


New York (Islanders): LOL ISLES SUCK AND WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK. Poor Tavares. 


New York (Rangers): Marian Gaborik is no longer the second-most highly skilled but frustrating Russian winger in the division. In fact, he's not even third.


Philadelphia: Things get awkward when fans call Claude Giroux the next Crosby, minutes after chanting "Crosby sucks!"


Pittsburgh: Half their team is injured, yet they will still find a way to beat you through the power of Brooks Orpik's stare. 


Washington: Speaking of Brooks, how many brooks would a Brooks Laich like if a Brooks Laich could like brooks?
Also, OOOOOVEEEEECHKIIIIIIIN SUUUUUUCKS.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVECHKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS.
THAT IS MY FAVOURITE PART OF THE POST
BECAUSE YOU KNOW, HE DOES!


Friday, December 09, 2011

The Buffalo Sabres Appreciation Post

We recently wrote a post about the new NHL conference that features the Leafs, Sens, Habs, Bruins, Lightning, and Panthers. Turns out it also includes the Sabres.

The Sabres are one of my "meh" teams. They're in our division right now, but they've never done anything evil to us that I can remember, so I don't really notice them. So much so that I apparently forget they exist. So here we are: sorry, Buffalo.

I used to like the Sabres back when they had Briere:


.. but now they don't have Briere. And Ryan Miller started being evil. After the Olympics, I really dislike him. Derek Roy's still pretty cool, so there's that. The only lasting memory I have of them is the Pens beating them in the first Winter Classic, so thanks for losing!


Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Welcome to the New NHL: Part 3

(s/t to our friend Will for helping with this one)
After much hoopla, the NHL announced that it will be re-aligning the league's thirty teams into four conferences. Instead of the current two-conferences/katrillion-divisions structure, each conference will consist of seven or eight teams. They haven't been named yet, so we're just going to call them 1, 2, 3, and 4. We're really creative. We've seen the first and second conferences, now let's look at the teams in the third conference, shall we?

Teams: Toronto Maple Leafs, Montreal Canadiens, Ottawa Senators, Boston Bruins, Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning

Toronto: Continue their long-standing tradition of breaking their fans' hearts to the point where cheering for their team feels like a drag. Except James Reimer. Everyone loves James Reimer.


Montreal: Tomas Kaberle will mysteriously play like crap every time they play the Leafs (*sniff*). Thankfully, the  Panthers or Lightning don't have any good goalies for the Habs to run over (watch out, Boston).


Ottawa: Will continue to suck, as usual.


Florida: Will begin offering a ticket promotion this year, called the "Visit Your Old Snowbird" package. For just $50 you get round-trip air fare, four game tickets, and a signed jersey from the Leafs' player of your choice.


Tampa Bay: Marty St. Louis is short and french. The Habs are short and french. SPECULATION!!1

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Welcome to the New NHL: Part 2

After much hoopla, the NHL announced that it will be re-aligning the league's thirty teams into four conferences. Instead of the current two-conferences/katrillion-divisions structure, each conference will consist of seven or eight teams. They haven't been named yet, so we're just going to call them 1, 2, 3, and 4. We're really creative. We've seen the first conference, now let's look at the teams in the second conference, shall we?

Teams: Winnipeg Jets, Chicago Blackhawks, St. Louis Blues, Nashville Predators, Columbus Blue Jackets, Dallas Stars, Minnesota Wild, Detroit Red Wings

Winnipeg: Everyone will be in awe of the NHL's "newest" team, but then will score 9 goals on them every game once they realise they're just the Thrashers, who are just the leftover Blackhawks.


Chicago: Are really the only team in this conference that anyone really cares about. Patrick Kane will continue to annoy other teams with that stupid mouthguard chewing thing.


St. Louis: Will match Chicago's, Minnesota's, and even Nashville's starpower with David Backes, Alex Pietrangelo, and um... Alex Steen?


Nashville: Will be a much easier team to play against once Suter and Weber leave due to cap space issues.


Columbus: Everyone will now pay infinitely more attention to Rick Nash, now that we're all forced to remember the Blue Jackets exist.


Dallas: As long as they continue to employ Raycroft, lol.


Minnesota: Will be a terror to play in the regular season, and then crash and burn every playoffs. They are the Sharks, remember?


Detroit: Will continue to beat everyone at everything, cause that's just what they do.


Welcome to the New NHL: Part 1

After much hoopla, the NHL announced that it will be re-aligning the league's thirty teams into four conferences. Instead of the current two-conferences/katrillion-divisions structure, each conference will consist of seven or eight teams. They haven't been named yet, so we're just going to call them 1, 2, 3, and 4. We're really creative. Let's look at the teams in the first conference, shall we?

Teams: Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers, Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks, Colorado Avalanche, Phoenix Coyotes

Vancouver: Will only have to listen to Chelsea Dagger seven or eight times in the regular season, depending on whether or not they decide to play Luongo that one game.


Calgary: Iginla will eventually realise how pathetic his situation is, especially when he's repeatedly forced to play against Kesler, the Sedins, RNH, EBERLE, Hall, Kopitar, Richards, Doughty... *deep breath* ...Getzlaf, Perry, Ryan, Selanne, Duchene, Landeskog, Stastny, Doan, and Yandle *laughs*


Edmonton: WHY DO THEY GET HALL, EBERLE, AND NUGENT-HOPKINS?!



Los Angeles: Will distract other teams when lining up for the national anthem, who will spend the rest of the game wondering how to sing the "LA LA LA LA".


Anaheim: Bobby Ryan will get so fed up with teammates tripping him and making Canada win that he will immediately demand a trade to Toronto. Because, y'know, Burke is determined to make the Leafs an all-American team.


Colorado: Will start every game by displaying prominent Landeskog pictures, and then score on the other team as they wonder how anyone can be so beautiful. (note: will not work on Jeff Skinner)


Phoenix: Doan will look at the promising futures of the young superstars in his conference and slowly melt into a pit of despair. Book it.